WHY YOU NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE

No, I am not trying to be a super downer.  

I am a life coach for God’s sake.  I think we know I am am mostly rainbows, unicorns with a side of sugar cookies.  The good kind. With sprinkles.

But we are not fucking around here, people.  Love is too amazing to be messed with.

So let’s talk about that incredible thing called love.

Even if you deny it, you want love.  We emotionally and physically NEED love.  It is a stunning, pure and life-changing emotion. It makes us happy, feel special and gives us the support to follow our dreams, conquer our fears and become our best selves.

Yeah I know that was a little Oprah-fied.  Talking about love makes me a little squishy.

So here is the good news.  We are naturally good at love.  As children, we are born with a beautiful, open capacity to love and be loved; the ability to open our hearts and minds to people and let them into our lives.

But here is the catch, Sugarpants – ultimately, we are not looking for love.

Love comes easy.  The rush of that emotion is one of the most uncomplicated things on earth.

It is the relationship that fucks us up.  Every. Single. Time.

Most break-ups do not happen because of love.  Rarely do we actually “fall out of love or does it fade away.”  That is some bullshit someone said once and people said, “Yeah.  Let’s say that.  That kind of makes sense.”

Not on my watch, Chachi.  Not on my watch.

It is not that love changes, it is that we have not set it up properly to grow.  Evolve.  Thrive.  Last.

We get so caught up in the chemicals, chemistry and connection in the beginning of love we forget to look at all of the other stuff that makes relationships work.  The shit that matters.  The shit that actually makes or breaks our relationships.

And if we haven’t done the work up front to learn how to communicate, solve problems together, give and receive love, respect, appreciate….you know, the important shit, it makes no different how strong the love is in the beginning.

You will end up standing there with your heart in your hand, again and again,  wondering what the fuck happened.

Love is a part, a beautiful part, but in many ways, it is only the beginning.

That movie moment, holding hands on your front porch when you are 90 kind of dream that most people have doesn’t happen because of love, it means you created a relationship strong enough to keep the love going.

Ultimately, you may be having a hard time at this dating/relationships thingy – not because of love – but because of how you learn and understand relationships.   Unlike love, it is not a gift you were born with and it is not a super power that you get from a radioactive spider bite.

It is a learned behavior and most likely what you learned was….meh.  At best.

And the truth is, which I have learned the hard way a bunch of times, that most of us are not naturally good at this.

When we were wee things we learned about relationships everywhere.  We were like little sponges watching the way the world interacts.  Movies and television, our parents and other adult figures in our lives, our own experiences with others…and let’s be honest, sometimes we did not have the best role models.  Kids can be mean, and adults have their own flaws that make seeing how to connect with people and create long lasting relationships almost obsolete.

What it leaves us with is a seriously fucked up view of what relationships look and feel like.

So we go out there “looking for love,” get hooked on the temporary attraction and are left confused when relationships don’t work out asking “didn’t they love me enough?”  When it never really was about love.

It was about the many, many other things that make relationships a success or failure.

We need to stop looking for love and start creating a relationship.  Start from the ending.  Walking into it with clear eyes, knowledge of what we need and ready to share our owner’s manual up front.

Anything less is bullshit and you need to stop blaming love or yourself when you just didn’t set up your relationship for success.  You just didn’t know.  That is why I am here.

But if you are not willing to set it up for success, what the fuck are we doing here, people?

We need to realize that when we walk through life, sometimes stumbling into people that we feel love for, that we always have the option to create a relationship with them.  Realize that it is about more than just beginning feelings and we have the power to choose to let them be a part of our lives or not.

We need to take the time to know how they work and most importantly, how you work together.

Because I promise you this: the rush of attraction has absolutely nothing on the unconditional love that happens with a truly healthy relationship.  Where you wake up every morning knowing you are loved.  Fully and completely.

That shit is amazing and I want that for you.

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