So I have a little confession for you…..

I am a recovering fixer.


This is truth. I always joke (but am serious as fuck) that I can smell a tortured soul from across the room.  Especially if they are a musician.  It is my gift and my curse.

After a couple of drinks, I find I am drawn to everything this person has to say and that all I want in the world is to help them realize the potential that they don’t see.

How can they not see it?  It is right there in front of them!  Just relax handsome musician, help is here!!!!  I will help you become all that you can be!

Le sigh. You know what?

That is such utter bullshit for a bunch of reasons. Let me break down the basics.

You can’t fix anybody’s shit.  No matter how much you love them, inspire them, encourage them and even do shit for them, it never works.  Never.  They have to do it for themselves.

You are just dragging out the inevitable. In fact, if there is some really bad behavior going on there and you are allowing it, you are actually enabling them by not allowing them to fail and then eventually change.  You are holding them back from their better lives.

Plus, just because you are there tirelessly supporting them through some really rough stuff does not automatically mean they will stay with you and love you forever once they have figured their stuff out.

Actually, now that they are healthy, they will probably move on to someone who is also healthy and doesn’t spend their life fixing people.

Finally, if you do stay together, you will feel super uncomfortable in the relationship because you can’t fix anything. You will have a hard time figuring out what is your role in the relationship and ultimately move on to your next project so you can save the world.

One by one!

Never feeling like you have a healthy and balanced relationship. Plus, if you are a fixer on any level, here is the one thing I want you to remember.

Ultimately, when you date for potential, it makes you an asshole.

I could not give a fuck if you have the best intentions under the sun, every person should be able to date someone who loves them for exactly where they are at.

Right at this very moment. Just as is.

If you don’t like where they are at at this moment.  You need to move on.  They deserve to be with someone who thinks they are the end all be all for just being them. Isn’t that what you want too? And if they are in such a bad place that no one will date them, then that is part of their journey too.  They will use that pain to make the changes they need to make and become better people who can have a healthy relationship.

Ultimately, this behavior is exhausting and never going to get you where you want to go.  You’ve got to stop fixing others and start working on you!

There is a reason this behavior feels comfortable for you and you need to figure it out to start dating others who can truly love you and create healthy relationships with you. Because with amazing love and healthy relationships we will evolve into better people.

That is where the really gooey good stuff lies.  But it has to start with love, appreciation and respect.

Right where we are.

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