I am not your fucking Mom.  Not saying I am.  

I can make a mean tater tot casserole though.

I also know this topic is a touchy one, but that is why I am not here to always be your best friend.  I am here to change lives.  And I hope you might read this article and think hard about this.  It might apply to you and it might not.  

But here we go, Sugarpants!

You know what I love?  Fucking witty banter.  

That delicious moment when the intelligence is laced with humor and you start to feel the amazing electricity and connection.  Leading into life stopping moments of chemistry, kisses and sex.  

That shit is good and for me, the best foreplay out there.  Ever.

It has lead me into slightly naughty situations around the world and some of them were plain amazing and some of them……were not.

I am not going to delve into my personal sex life except to tell you that it isn’t all that exciting for all of the swearing and traveling might lead you to believe.  But over the years, I have been looking around and hate to say that things have gotten a little fucked up.

Between new communications styles (texting, facebook) and a confusing mindset, something has happened along the way.  We have let go of any kind of semblance of dating and even romance.  Holding onto our hearts like a mofo so that we wouldn’t get hurt, we walk along a little blindly hoping love will find us.  Making shit choices, putting ourselves in bad situations and then walking away with our feelings hurt.  Wondering if we should even try again.

I am here to tell you, you should.  But it is time to stop calling guys “douchebags” and “players” for taking advantage of situations that YOU put yourself in.   I am clearly not talking about any form of sexual assault here.  I am talking about “wishy-washy, too scared to talk about sex so you end up feeling hurt and used at the end” here.

You know what I am talking about.

Not asking for what you want and need and not setting up the boundaries to have it go anywhere.  Pretending you are OK with “the hook-up” when you are really hoping that it will turn into a relationship.

Not taking it slow enough to see what is really happening.

C’mon, ladies….we all know you do that and it is not getting you anywhere.

So next time, after you have had a few drinks and awesome witty banter, here are a few things to think about….

Three Reasons to Keep Your Panties On, Ladies.

1.  Keeps you off the crazy train: 

Has this happened to you?

You like a guy.  It would seem he likes you by the flirting, dates and hook up that has happened a few times now.  You are nothing less than pee-your-pants excited.  This is clearly heading towards love, right?  Then you start looking around and something isn’t quite kosher.  Isn’t he supposed to be texting more or calling?  Shouldn’t we be making plans?  Who the hell is that woman all over his facebook wall?  WTF????

When we rush into things with a guy we start to assume it is going somewhere, when lots of times it just…..isn’t.  But since you kind of jumped in you didn’t really talk about it and it leaves you confused and feeling like shit.  I am not going to give you the “you are a precious flower” speech, but if you are giving it away for free without even talking about it, you are going to end up in this place more than once.  Holding the phone, sad and waiting for the crazy train to come into the station.

Simple rule to follow:  If you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex and if they are having it with multiple partners, you should probably wait.

2.  You can keep your eyes open:  OMG!!!!  He is PERFECT! You can’t believe how much you have in common.  That he listens to the same music as you, you have wicked chemistry AND he loves weiner dogs!  Why wouldn’t you be gettin it on with this guy?  I mean, he is probably going to be the father of your children.

Then at some point you wake up 3-6 months later and realize he wasn’t quite the dream guy you thought he was.  In fact, you have some big stuff that you don’t agree on, he doesn’t really know how to talk about his feelings and man, how did you NOT see those annoying habits before?

When we are jumping in physically, we create a connection that really isn’t there.  Our bodies are telling us to “go for it” so loudly that we ignore the important stuff that really makes relationships good.  It’s all chemicals and it is not your fault, but you are going to keep waking up realizing that once again you are back at the place of unhappy and have no idea how you got there.

Yup.  Stop doing that.

3. Wooing is the shit:  I will say this once and I will say it again.  WHERE THE FUCK DID HOLDING HANDS GO???  We have somehow bypassed some of the best parts of getting to know someone and the whole deliciousness of the excitement of possibility.  I remember my first boyfriend holding my hand and my stomach would be full of pterodactyls.  Butterflies my ass.  In the beginning every kiss was magical and building towards something beautiful.  Of course, first loves are special, but I think part of why it is so special is because you are discovering love together.  I don’t think that has to be just for first loves though.  You can discover love with every relationship you have.

However, we don’t ask for it anymore.  We don’t say “call me” or “ask me out.”  We hope that by kissing them from the beginning, something beautiful will just “happen.”  However, I have never heard any respectable guy say I am dumping her if we aren’t sleeping together right away.  In fact, people tend to give more respect to people who ask for it.

If you are out there trying to create a relationship you have to be able to know what you need and how to ask for it.  If you can’t even do that with sex, how are you going to speak up when you need other things in the relationship?  Like love, appreciation, respect and support?

So go ahead.  Keep those panties on and fucking ask for what you need.  You may be surprised about what you get.


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