How to Stop Giving Away Your Worth When Dating

{Sweary + ranty version of this article is available as a podcast here}

So today I have a favor to ask.  And it isn’t just for me, it is for all of us.

Ladies, can we stop giving all of our power away to men?  I mean, seriously?

Because in my nine years of doing this, I have encountered so many smart, educated, savvy, incredible women who, as soon as they get a sniff of love, lose all of their confidence and power.

True fucking story.

As soon as love enters the picture, they lose their power by:

Bending over backwards, losing themselves, and what we need while dating because we are afraid they will walk away.

Sleeping with people immediately because we are afraid they will move onto someone else.

Not speaking up about things when something feels uncomfortable because we are scared that they won’t fucking like us.

Faking orgasms!  Why would women do that?  

And that is really just the beginning.

Please understand, this article is not about putting down men.  It is about having a real discussion of why women are choosing and allowing bullshit in dating and relationships that gives our power and confidence away. Every. Fucking. Day.

Without even knowing it we are sabotaging  our relationships before they even get started.

Let me just give you a scenario.

You like someone. 

Maybe have been on a few dates. 

For the first time in a long time, you see potential!  The heavens have fucking opened up and there might be love here, people! 

But you know what?   As soon as the potential starts?  It all gets a little bit sketchy.

We start obsessively thinking and talking about them and the new situation. It’s like our new part-time job.  Where we get paid in crazy.

What does this text mean? 

Should I be upset that I haven’t heard from him for a few days? 

He said this…what do you think that means? 

Why do you think he did that?

Can you imagine how we could change the world if we took the time that we spent thinking/talking about dating and actually volunteered?  Gave back to your community or causes you believe in?  We would be changing the fucking world!!

And most importantly, no matter if we ask ourselves all of the questions that can drive us bonkers, we are concentrating on the wrong thing.  We are asking ourselves questions that we can’t really get the answers to and not asking the one question that actually matters...

Am I ok with this?  Does this feel ok to me?

THOSE Hot Pants, are the questions that matter.

If the answer is no to that question you: 

1) Tell them –  That is called a boundary and  here is how you do that.

When someone does something that doesn’t feel good to you, you:

    a) tell them what it is in a kind way.

    b) tell them why it is not ok with you.

    c) tell them what they can do differently.

Now here is the important shit! 

If they listened and respected it –  Woohoo!  We may have a real keeper here, people!  You have just started creating a potential relationship!  Look at you all grown-up awesome and shit!

However, if they don’t listen or respect that boundary then we have to acknowledge it and realize there is a good chance they are just not in a place to date you.  Because if they can’t respect that boundary in the beginning fuzzy-happy stage, are they going to do it any part of your relationship?

“But Kira,” you say, “isn’t that needy?  Or crazy?  I could never do that!”

Nope.  Uh-uh.  Let me tell you what shit IS crazy.

Expecting to just know what you need to feel good on a regular basis.

Expecting that they will just know how to love you.

Expecting that they know how to communicate with you, support you…all of it!  When you have never told them!

Now THAT shit is crazy!

Here is the love-truth I am dropping today:  

We can not be upset at someone for something we never told them.  

That includes all people in your life…  family, friends, co-workers, etc.

Did you tell them that you would love to hear from them daily? 

Did you say that you get triggered when people are late and how important punctuality is to you?

If not, then you are going to want to get real on what you need and be able to speak up about it.  That is not on them… that shit is on you.

So let me Brene Brown this shit up for a second!  What we are talking about here is called vulnerability and it is the core to have a deeper relationship.   

You know how scary that whole asking for what you need shit” is…  you will have to do that for the rest of your relationship –  that is what relationships are all about. 

However, if you can’t – this is what happens…

You can never create a deeper connection because that person can’t figure out how to be great for you or love you. If they can’t figure that out, it is hard for them to be part of your life and to stay long-term.

You know couples that get divorced because they “fell out of love” or some bullshit like that?  This is usually what happens – they never learned how to love and support each other beyond the honeymoon phase, so when things get tough, they can’t work through it.  They didn’t create a deeper connection by being vulnerable and asking for what they needed.

So in review: Not sharing what you need to feel loved and asking for it  = partners who don’t know how to love and support you = not creating a deeper connection = people leaving because they feel “like they fell out of love” and don’t feel connection to you.

I’ll tell you this from the bottom of my heart.  My relationship wasn’t built kissing in the rain, taking long walks on the beach or creating scavenger hunts for each other,  (Which we totally do.), or any of the other romantic moments that are sold to us on TV, in movies and books… 

It was built on the couch I am sitting on now as I write this.  Where I am crying over the frustration of my weight and health right now.

It was built standing outside of rehab last year, both of us crying as my boyfriend let go and sought help when he felt that his drinking was becoming too much for him to handle on his own.

It was built when we talk about our fears, our failings and where we need help and support from each other.

It is built multiple times a week if one of us is having a rough moment and the other one says “how can I be great for you right now?  What can I do?”

Because that is the shit that we do in this relationship.  

And that is what working, healthy relationships look like.

Bonus: do you think I worry for one second about cheating or about if he loves me?  Not a fucking chance.  We are working so diligently together on a future and being great for each other that I never have to worry about that shit.

He is my partner.  My greatest ally.  My support system and my best friend.  He is 100% in on this journey we call life.  I can not ask for anything more than that!

So do you want better relationships? 

Then let’s stop giving all of our power and confidence away to men. Because honestly, they don’t know what they are doing either!  So let’s start taking care of ourselves and each other.

How do we do that?

  1. Get clear on what we need in a relationship and have the skill set to communicate it.  Just a reminder that this is EXACTLY what we do in the Owner’s Manual. Check it out!
  2.  Start supporting our friends to take care of themselves in relationships and ask them to make us accountable too!  Encourage them to ask for what they need and speak up.  Say “I don’t think you are taking care of yourself in this relationship and I know you want to have an awesome relationship so how can you ask for what you need?” Be each other’s ally in doing this better!
  3. Start sharing this shit.  This article or the podcast that is on the same topic – much more “ranty and sweary”.  Let’s start getting on the same page and taking care of each other!  That’s how revolutions work!

So are you in?  Are you ready to take your power back?  If not for yourself, but for the awesome relationship you can create when you start by taking care of yourself!

Let’s fucking do this.

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